A couple of days ago, in the post “Why Your Elevator Pitch Stinks,” I asked you readers to send me some elevator pitches to see if we could improve them. I’ll start by posting the two worst because they’re instructive of exactly what NOT to do. Here’s the first, which my comments:
Our Human Capital Programs and Consulting build Employee Engagement [1], which drives Retention[2], increases Productivity[3] and creates Customer Devotion[4]. The upshot[5] is that these programs are key to maximizing Profitability[6]. The programs are called [7]: N-Gage (for the engagement survey and action plan) Management Mastery (for the manager skill development coaching and training) and Performance Pathways (for performance coaching and goal setting).
My comments:
- Which means what, exactly?
- You mean, drives like a car?
- Yeah, like every other offering.
- Which means what, exactly?
- Jargon.
- Yeah, like every other offering.
- Everything after this is irrelevant detail.
And here’s the second example, again with my comments:
Integrity Solutions is a Performance Improvement Organization[1] that helps clients[2] create more value for their customers[3]. We add value to organizations by increasing sales revenue[4], customer service[5] and employee productivity[6]. We do this through our core competencies [7] in assessment, consulting and behavioral change processes. Would you like to explore how you can create more value for your customers?[8]
- Which means what, exactly?
- So you’re not talking to one now?
- So vague as to be meaningless.
- Just like every other product in the world.
- Is increasing the need for customer service good?
- Trite, trite, trite
- Jargon.
- If you’re still awake after this clunker.
In general, both pitches are wordy and awkwardly phrased. Every noun is as abstract and colorless as possible. They both toggle between meaningless platitudes and unfamiliar (but important-sounding) biz blab. Neither communicates any excitement, or anything that might be unique.
This afternoon, I’ll provide a rewrite, based upon the elevator pitch advice from uber-guru Barry Rhein. Stay tuned.
