I just checked the comments to the “How to Write an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 1)” and discovered that a reader (named “bnetgeo”) posted a comment that contained an elevator pitch that I think is much better than my rewrite. Here it is, with my annotations:
I’m in the corporate story telling business. [1] ABC Company specializes in helping corporate clients figure out exactly how to tell their story in a way that will compel customers to buy. [2] Human beings — you, me, your customers — connect better when the message is in story form. If you want your customers to listen, and want what you’re offering, you’ve got to capture them with a story. [3] And we’ve helped clients like Charles Schwab and Warner Bros, increase their lead conversion rate by up to 25 percent with a story we’ve helped them craft. [4] What’s your company’s story?[5]
- A more natural response to the “so, what do you do for a living” question.
- Qualifies the original statement, illustrating that it’s really a business issue.
- This is the same as my rewrite, but I like it better here. More natural.
- See how nice this comment flows out of the rest of the pitch?
- This question is pure brilliance. I’ll explain why in a second.
Note that this wonderful rewrite is also concrete/emotional rather than abstract/intellectual. It complete lacks business buzzwords and speaks to the “heart” of the matter. This one will work…better than my original rewrite.
The best part of this final rewrite is the leading question at the end. Here’s why:
- It’s socially acceptable. The question is really just a clever way of saying “ok, I told you what I do for a living; how about you?”, but in way that builds on the rest of the pitch. The clear implication is that the prospect should be able to tell a story in order to explain what he or she does.
- It creates its own proof. Because the phrasing of the question uses a popular colloquialism (as in “what’s the story about that?”), the phrase itself creates “social proof” that people explain the world through stories.In other words, that short question makes the psychological point about human nature that took two sentences in my rewrite.
- It challenges the prospect. Most people don’t have a good elevator pitch about their own firm. Chances are the prospect is going to flub it or stammer or come out with some meaningless blather and then stop and say something like “Gee, I guess we do need somebody like you to help us out.” Bingo! You’re in the sales cycle.
I supposed that this is as good a time as any to thank you readers for helping me with this blog. This kind of comment, which reflects so much sales wisdom, goes far beyond anything that I could come up with on my own. In a very real sense, YOU are the experts, not me. That’s one of the reasons that I’m doing this blog. I learn as much as anyone.
