On Monday, I posted a rewrite of an elevator pitch in “How to Rewrite an Elevator Pitch (Pt.1).” (Original title, eh?) I then asked you readers to vote on which one you liked best. The result was overwhelmingly in favor of the rewritten version. I thought it might be useful to provide some deconstruction to illustrate why the original pitch doesn’t work, and why the rewritten one does.
Here’s the original, with annotations:
We are business storytellers. We help organizations accelerate their business relationships [1] to improve prospecting success, to accelerate the knowledge [2] and understanding and resonance that the story has, and to improve the bottom line to help you increase your revenue [3]. We do this in three big ways: helping you create a compelling elevator speech, networking plans to attract the ideal clients, and presentations which close the deal [4]. American Diabetes Association, Charles Schwab, Warner Bros., and Urban Land Institute [5] are examples of organizations that have trusted us to help them tell their stories.
- What does this mean? It sounds impressive, but it’s obviously jargon.
- Again, what does this mean? The “acceleration” concept doesn’t make sense.
- Redundant. And the use of the business jargon “bottom line” is more jargon.
- Questionable. Only very naïve sales reps think that presentations close deals.
- Too many customers. This sounds like a laundry list.
And here’s the rewrite, with annotations:
Human beings — you, me, your customers — live in a world of stories. These stories give meaning and purpose to the chaos of everyday life. [1] If you want your customers to listen, and want what you’re offering, you’ve got to capture them with a story. [2] We specialize in helping you figure out exactly how to tell your story in a way that will compel your customers to buy. [3] And we’ve got an armload of clients, like Charles Schwab and Warner Bros, who have increased their lead conversion rate by up to 25 percent with a story we’ve helped them craft. [4] Would you be interested in learning how to come up with a story that immediately increases sales revenues?[5]
- Starts with an intriguing truism. The prospect begins by agreeing with you.
- The specific case of the truism. The prospect now has an identified need.
- Define what you can do for the prospect to satisfy that need.
- Proof point with quantifiable measurement; you can deliver results.
- Call to action. Get the sale moving into the next step.
The rewritten version is designed to pull the prospect into the story and transform the story into a sales opportunity. The original version is just a statement of what the company does, leaving the prospect to figure out why they’d need the company’s services.
Overall, the problem with elevator pitch is that rather than being concrete/emotional and therefore persuasive, it’s abstract/intellectual, and thus comes off as dry and boring. A fuller explanation of this phenomenon can be found in my earlier post “How to Create a Persuasive Sales Message.”
Now, what I’d like to know is why 10 percent of the people that I polled in “How to Rewrite an Elevator Pitch (Pt.1)” actually thought that the original was better than my rewrite. Does anyone want to explain why? I hope it’s not because 10 percent of the people in the world actually think business buzzwords are useful sales tools.
Check out the post “How to Write an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 3)” for an annotated versions of an excellent rewrite posted by a reader of this blog.
