Most companies have a story to tell, in hopes that they’ll interest customers in buying. Most of those stories, however, are all about the vendor. The vendor is the hero who overcomes difficulties in order to help the customer. However, your customers want to be the hero, and they resent firms that position themselves as self-centered know-it-alls.
Here’s an example of a field message that’s all about the vendor — and consequently either boring (at best) and offensive (at worst).
The company in question is “an online software solutions company that targets Fortune 500’s and ad agencies.” Here’s the “story” they sent me:
We are an online software solutions company who offers expertise [1] in the full-range of services [2] required to bring interactive projects to life [3]. We interface seamlessly [4] with world-class [5] companies, advertising agencies [6] and their third party vendors to make certain that all areas of an online initiative are up and running smoothly. We understand how to form powerful [6] connections between brands and their intended audiences through technology [7]. We [8] also help companies streamline their internal and external marketing & communications through the use of new tools and techniques. [9]
Here’s why this message is so weak:
- [1] Unclear what this means. Are they selling software, services or consulting or all three? And why do I care?
- [2] What does “full-range” mean? Does this mean you’ll clean the bathrooms or something? This is just biz-blab.
- [3] What does this mean? It sounds like Frankenstein’s monster.
- [4] What does “seamlessly” mean? As far I know, no software has “seams.” Just a throwaway word.
- [5] Are you saying that no advertising agencies are “world-class”? Probably true, but do you really want to say that here?
- [6] “Powerful” has no meaning. Another throwaway word.
- [7] “We understand how…through technology” Ugh. Could this sentence be worded MORE awkwardly? I think not.
- [8] All four sentences begin with “We…” It’s like having a “conversation” with somebody who talks incessantly about themselves.
- [9] The entire story is all about what the vendor does. It’s almost as the customer is some poor shlump who’d be lost without the vendor.
Seriously, does ANYONE think that ANYONE is going to think there’s ANYTHING special about this company, based on this message? Ugh. Dreadful.
I spent about three minutes rewriting it. Here’s my version:
You’ve got a great message to tell the world. And you know that the Web can help you tell it. Only one problem: you don’t have the time or energy to become a web-wonk. Not to worry. We know how to take your message, make it interactive, and reach everyone who needs to hear it.
Notice that I’ve flipped the entire story around. It is now about what the customer wants to accomplish, while the vendor plays a supporting role. I gave the customer credit for focusing on what was important, and replaced the fancy-schmantz biz-blab with simple, everyday words.
The result is shorter, crisper and far more likely to interest a prospect.
READERS: Anyone else care to try their hand?
