Two weeks ago, I asked you to send me your sales messages so that I could rewrite them. In the first post based upon the messages you sent, I worked on five short “tag lines.” In this post, I rewrite some field messages that are bit longer and more detailed. As before, I’ve added polls so that you can vote on whether I’ve improved the messages… or not.
BNET Insight
Sales Message Improvement Clinic. Pt 2
May 12th, 2009 @ 11:30 am
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1
Ian P
RE: Sales Message Improvement Clinic. Pt 2
Is this really a market survey for some hot message enterprise you are thinking of?
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2
Geoffrey James, Sales Machine
RE: Sales Message Improvement Clinic. Pt 2
Re: Note 1.
I wish. Nope, just trying to explain how its done. My hidden agenda is to show how ridiculous it is to pay big money for marketing "talent" that writes the kind of crap that passes for "sales messages." -
3
johnrg
RE: Sales Message Improvement Clinic. Pt 2
Geoff seems to have spotted the problem with each one.
Salespeople get caught up in what they want to say and most
always it become contorted and confusing. In every revision,
the focus changed from the product/service to the customer.
Wow! That's marketing. -
4
Bob Wileman
RE: Sales Message Improvement Clinic. Pt 2
The originals really are as bad as you say
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5
bkennedycse
RE: Sales Message Improvement Clinic. Pt 2
The original tag lines were pretty bad. No, they were awful. It seems everyone wants to sell during the marketing messaage. It seems we are guilty of telling people what we can do for them without identifying the types of pain they might be experiencing; thus making a connection. Thanks for the lesson.
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6
dale.underwood
RE: Sales Message Improvement Clinic. Pt 2
Awesome Geoffrey....thanks!
Dale - "QuoteMaster" (EchoQuote) -
7
Geoffrey James, Sales Machine
RE: Sales Message Improvement Clinic. Pt 2
Re: Note 6:
Check out the EchoQUote website:
www.EchoQuote.com
It actually has a version of the message rewritten in this post:
http://blogs.bnet.com/salesmachine/?p=2569&page=5
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Geoffrey James
Geoffrey James has sold and written hundreds of features, articles and columns for national publications including Wired, Men's Health, Business 2.0, SellingPower, Brand World, Computer Gaming World, CIO, The New York Times and (of course) BNET. He is the author of seven books, including Business Wisdom of the Electronic Elite (translated into seven languages and selected by four book clubs), and The Tao of Programming (widely quoted on the Web as a "canonical book of... more »
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