As I’ve pointed out HERE and HERE, most Marketing groups are useless when it comes to generating leads, which is the only reason for Marketing groups to exist. As an example of how completely clueless some Marketing groups can be, I’ve also reproduced excerpts from gobbledegook-stuffed press releases issued by so-called “leading” firms. Imagine my surprise, then, when I received a press release from a software firm that not only wasn’t incomprehensible, but actually engaging. Here’s how the press release begins:
KGB Software Now Monitors Corporate Networks
Nowadays, business people actually work in two worlds: the physical and the online. The former is a world of smiles and warm handshakes, while the latter is the shadowy world of whispered secrets, hidden alliances, and sudden betrayals. In business terms, this can mean the difference between success and failure. But no-one is better equipped to inform you of the online world than a small but reliable software agent - KGB Spy, which is now available as a network edition.
That opening was interesting enough to get me to read the entire press release, which is about a software tool that managers can use to spy on their employees. Now, I happen to think that that the idea behind the software is totally heinous and that any company that needs that level of control should take their entire management team out into the parking lot and shoot them for gross incompetence. But that’s beside the point. The press release grabs your attention because it generates fear — a powerful emotion. Contrast the above with the following lead paragraph from a press release recently issued from the software giant SAP:
SAP Enables Secure, End-to-End Compliant Identity Management
Delivers New GRC Web Services Facilitating Seamless Integration of SAP® GRC Access Control With Identity Management Software Solutions
With governance, risk and compliance (GRC) issues acknowledged by leading industry analysts as the number one driver of identity management projects at organizations worldwide, SAP AG (NYSE: SAP) today announced the immediate availability of new GRC Web services from SAP that enable the seamless integration of blat identity management software solutions with SAP® GRC Access Control, the market-leading application for monitoring and enforcing user access and authorization controls.
Did you see the “blat” that I added towards the end of the paragraph? I’ll bet you didn’t. I’ll bet you just skipped over the paragraph because — SAP PR folks take note — the press release is simply a collection of meaningless, emotionless jargon. Completely ineffective.
Anyway, rather than my usual complaints, I have a Constructive Suggestion about how we can fix the Marketing problem. Let’s make “KGB Employee Monitor” illegal except when used on people who work in Marketing. We can program it so that every time a marketing geek types a weasel word or bonehead jargon, the program automatically docks his pay by $10. Maybe then we’ll start seeing some marketing materials that are actually capable of generating leads.
