This is not the sort of question you typically address in your column, but I think it features an ethical dilemma in the business of families: My brother-in-law is a doctor, and he makes a considerable amount of money. He is very generous with his fortune, but he has recently put me into a situation that makes me uncomfortable. A few months back, he asked my wife and I if we would like to travel with his family to Wisconsin - where he is from - to spend a weekend with his family and friends. We agreed - he’s a nice guy and I’ve always been curious about his roots - and he immediately sent us plane tickets. This was acceptable, but later he told me he had bought tickets for my wife and I to go with he and his wife to a Green Bay Packers game. I know the Packers are a tough ticket, but when he told me what he’d spent on the tickets - $5000 for four seats, through a ticket broker - I nearly had a heart attack.
I admire his generosity, but I feel like he has put me into a bad situation. I have no way of repaying him $2500 for our tickets, nor would I ever consider spending that much money on a sporting event. Yet I don’t know how I can get out of the situation without insulting him and, worse, his wife. I’m certain that she doesn’t know what he spent on the tickets, because she would have a similar heart attack, and it would create Drama with a capital “D.”
The game is next month, and it gives me a sinking feeling when I think about handing my $1250 ticket to some usher. I don’t want to feel so overwhelmingly indebted to my brother-in-law, but at the same time I don’t want to rock the family boat and insult him by declining the offer. Where’s the line?
I think this question is just fine, because it does address a business ethics dilemma. You don’t need to work in an office to face such dilemmas, and families are rife with problems based exclusively on their financial dealings with one another.
The root of your problem is this idea of feeling “overwhelmingly indebted” to your brother-in-law for something you didn’t ask for, can’t repay, and wouldn’t even if you could (I hate to think that the skyrocketing costs of professional sports tickets have made them events that only a doctor or a CEO can afford). So to solve your problem, you need to take steps to alleviate your conscience and eliminate that feeling.
Here’s what I would do. First, talk to your brother-in-law in private, and tell him that you feel uncomfortable. I’m sure he will tell you not to worry about it - obviously, he’s not - but you must persist. Then, give him an option that will help remove your guilt without creating family drama and bringing your sister-in-law into the dilemma.
Ask him to sell your two tickets. With the game less than a month away, they may have even gone up in value. If that’s not the case, offer to cover any losses he may incur should he not be able to get $2500 for them. This proposal can blanket - though not entirely remove - some of the festering sores of this whole thing.
By addressing your concerns and then giving him an offer to recoup his money, you can start to wipe your hands of the guilty feeling of indebtedness. Should he decline this offer - which I’m sure he will - you can consider your conscience clean, at least in theory. You’ll still end up going to the game, and you’ll still have a feeling that you owe him $2500, but you’ve at least covered yourself should the news of their cost ever trickle down to your sister-in-law (I have the sneaking feeling that she’s your real concern here). If it ever comes to that, you can simply say, “Look, I didn’t want to go. I didn’t have the money to repay him. And I asked him to sell the tickets. What did you want me to do?”
It sounds like your brother-in-law is a good guy, and this is a very nice gesture. If only it were that easy. No one wants to be in any relationship, especially a family relationship, where you feel like you “owe” someone. If this problems rears its ugly head, you have at least laid the preliminary groundwork to make it clear that you were never comfortable with it and wanted no part of this feeling. It’s not perfect, but neither is family life.
And in the future, plan to repay your brother-in-law in your own way. It doesn’t have to cost $2500. It just has to be a genuine gesture.
Have a workplace-ethics dilemma? Ask it here, or email wherestheline@gmail.com
