An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

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  1

  stacyjo

  09/25/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  I think it's all about attitude and not letting negativity of others wear you down. When someone starts complaining about the economy and other issues, I just nod my head, throw in some "I see", "I understand" and let them vent. What they don't know is that I see the current economic situation as an opportunity. (On a personal level, I'll be able to buy a house soon with a fixed rate mortgage). It's all about how you look at things.

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  2

  ro53b

  09/25/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  "If market turmoil and the credit crunch has turned your boss toxic, fight back and neutralize her corrosive influence..."
  
  Why does this article assume that the toxic boss is a female?

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  3

  bjjb26@...

  09/25/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  "...HER toxic influence???" Given that the majority of corporate senior managers are men, why would this writer say "HER" toxic influence??? Is this writer implying that women are more likely to be toxic than men? In my experience, it is quite the opposite.

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  4

  harkul

  09/25/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  Yup, it is the women.......well, just kidding,
  actually I find that toxic people is not about
  gender, and as to the number, I would say that,
  percentage wise, probably around fifty fifty.
  But I must admit that when I saw the topic, I
  was felt surprised because just recently, I had
  to deal with someone who had a very toxic
  influence on me. In this case it was a woman,
  but as I mentioned, I dont see the gender as being an issue at all. I took the abuse for a
  while, and naturally, right from the beginning,
  I viewed the situation as her problem and not
  mine, and so I just tried to maintain the
  status quo. But things did not get any better,
  and I could see that my silent defiance would
  not serve her purpose at all. She would not let
  up, and at times things just got worse. And so
  finally, I arranged a meeting with our
  superior, and simply told them, this the end.
  Either she backs off, totally, or I am out. And
  I was clear on one thing, I will not take such
  an abuse from anyone. I dont personally deserve
  it, but at the same time, that kind of behavior
  is just not the way people should act. In fact,
  my personal quota of listening to her type of
  people, screaming and yelling, is up to its
  limit. Thing is, these people are often pretty
  successful, if you just look at the material
  side, or careers, but they get there mostly
  because of their childish, tantrum throwing
  behavior, and the rest of us, sort of think it
  is something that is to be expected. No way.
  These people need to be told their abusive
  actions are not tolerated, not at all. I would
  say this is the same as parents who are abusing
  their children, no different. Yes, I know, I
  was looking at the prospect of losing my job,
  but I had taken this long enough, it would not
  matter. In my case, she was offered to
  relocate, but she was not happy with that, and
  her reaction was pretty violent, her words are
  not printable, and in the end, she quit. I did
  not feel victorious, not at all, maybe just
  sad. But it was a great relief, and made a big
  difference at the office, and we all got along
  better after that. I had some people to come up
  to me and thank me, but I thought, this kind of
  thing is not MY JOB per se, it's everyones job.
  You do not take abuse, do not compromise on
  that.

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  5

  sam_gustin@...

  09/25/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  I agree with what the writer as mention on how to deal with a toxic boss because most likely s/he has some type of personality disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Therefore you should not think that you have a problem or have done something wrong, basically don???t make your self feel bad. This goes for all the other articles that deal with bad/toxic bosses.
  
  In the work place you have to learn some psychology and of course self control. But, how long can you keep your cool, how many times can you bite your tongue before you tell your boss where to go? How can you work with someone who clearly has Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits? It takes a long time to find a good job at a company you really want to work for. Just to find out your boss is toxic; therefore having to start the job search all over again. From my experience most employees want to work and to do something good for their company, but a toxic boss de-motivates and kills their staff inspiration, creativity, and will to work. Shouldn???t these bosses seek help? Should their employees mention to the boss about their problems and how they can get help?
  
  You can learn more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder from the Mayo Clinic to see if your boss has these traits http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652 Maybe you can even forward this link to your boss, but you should have a new job before.

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  6

  quest2900

  09/25/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  nice help on current situation as all of us now feel repurcussions of the turmoil all around the globe with diferent levels.
  however, as it goes the resilience of economy wll make it lift again after the losses the profiteers will go for another round till the time another crash happens. it is the oppertunist in all the cycles of economy that is prepared and waiting for such an event to occure....., let us learn our lessons now and be prepared to stop all such vicious cycles..... good luck to all.....

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  7

  jstillman

  09/25/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  My apologies to anyone who was offended by the
  feminine pronoun. Originally, the title of the post
  contained 'him'- I believe it read 'Market Meltdown
  Turned Your Boss Toxic? How to Neutralize Him.' In
  the interest of balance, I therefore used her later in the
  article to avoid singling out one gender.
  
  My editor then cut the length of the headline
  eliminating the masculine pronoun. I assure you I
  never meant to convey that women were more likely to
  be toxic bosses but rather to stress that it was not a
  phenomenon that depended on gender.
  
  Jessica

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  8

  jvinch

  09/26/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  Actually, using "her" is correct. If a man is writing then
  he should use the word "his." If a woman is writing it (as
  in this case) then "her" is perfectly correct.

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  9

  AIJJD

  09/26/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

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  10

  AIJJD

  09/26/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  It's nice to see that I was not the only one to face a toxic boss. In my case it was a woman (again not to sound like a male chauvinistic pig - I know enough men who are the same) but dam! She was a tyrant.
  
  When she realised I was not the kind of guy that jumped through hoops and thought I was feeding inside information to other (which I never did) she started going around my back discrediting me with other people in the organisation.
  
  Her final step was playing the handbook and contract to the T - be in at 8 sharp leave only at 6 you are only allowed a 30 minutes lunch break. Not allowed to work from home (even though my juniors and counterparts were doing it). Being very critical of all my work saying it was below standard - giving me mundane and repetitive work.
  
  She made it a point to act really pleasant in front of others never shouted but always edged you on in order to get a negative reaction out of you in public.
  
  I really felt myself age over that year?until her boss realised what was happening from another Sr. Manager and stepped in saying 'enough is enough' and had me moved.
  
  I was rejuvenated and a new man once I got out of her clutches. Not to be vindictive and vengeful (her boss did that for me) when it came time for her appraisal he told her that she was not a good people manager and had a lot of learning to do - highlighting my performance before and after I left her department.
  

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  11

  scgriff@...

  09/26/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  We employees just hire lawyers to stop the injustices where we work - that shuts them up quicker than anything!

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  12

  beeboo5

  09/26/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  It's like this: I had a toxic boss who was a man. My self esteem was fine until I started working for him, doing the same job I'd been doing for 15 years undr other people; I was often told I was cocky and full of myself. After two years working with him, I had a nervous breakdown thinking that I was a failure.
  
  Yes, I talked to him about the problems. Yes, I went to his superiors, both the Vice president and HR. His behavior grew worse because he knew I'd talked to them. I changed jobs, and have since recovered and work for a perfectly nice person and my self esteem has returned.
  
  The only thing that worked for me was changing jobs. Why has nobody mentioned that option? Does it make me a weak-brained nitwit to feel victimized when I WAS vicimized? To fight back when I had no other recourse?

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  13

  Joshuathenandnow

  09/26/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  in response to beeboo5's post.
  
  Not always is it possible to just up and change jobs, even if you have no attachments. While one may be free to try to do so, the fact remains that just because one may want to do so, they find that it is out of reach, no matter what they do.

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  14

  Chief Bee Keeper

  09/26/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  If you swim with toxic bosses, sit near, work with, and play with toxic anything you eventually become toxic. The first rule is to know what you want and to move towards better people. The write up above is great - but it should be a buy time strategy not a long term one.

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  15

  luisc9

  09/26/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  Dear Jessica:
  
  Thank you very much for your article. The tips are useful.
  
  However, I'd like to discuss about a related issue: toxic colleagues. I understand that a toxic boss is more dangerous for employees (since they have the power and control on you from 9 to 5.
  
  Nevertheless, toxic colleagues can be a problem that grows enough to became a serious issue, affecting employees' performance and even the company revenues... And please, have in account that most companies today use a large office space without separation between sectors... So sometimes you're an IT proffesional and have to share your day with marketing people (no offense, but since we do different things, our attitudes are different). This brings some conflict... and imagine when the other part is toxic... Hell is unleashed...
  
  Regards,
  Luis

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  16

  justjack

  09/26/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  Ridiculous. this sounds like self-delusional advice given by someone addicted to corporate happy-happy speak.
  
  Toxicity is when someone's emotional state or level of job incompetence is bring the organization or team down (down meaning poor performance not depression or negative thinking).
  
  All the owning class nonsense about positive thinking is what has caused the crisis we're all in. When someone's toxic you keep your head down and find ways to tactically remove them. sometimes that requires having a negative thought. But looking at the way people in corporate fairy land think and talk you'd think people are made of paper, one gust of negative wind and it's all gone south but one breeze from the happy-happy sunshine realm sends the ship into Eden.
  
  Grow up. If something brings up a negative emotion that's a head's up that something needs fixing. Not a toxicity issue at all.
  
  But hey, the corporate middlings will find out soon enough. Any bailout will have a backlash by the less than fortunate. Having fun dodging the rocks... and don't forget all you have to do is think positive and it'll all go away.
  
  As for the disaster as opportunity chick looking for her fixed mortgage at the top... enjoy that. Just don't forget to duck... a lot of people who lost their homes to rich yutzes like you "opportunists" aren't going to just let it all go without a little payback. happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts tee heee...

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  17

  milady3@...

  09/26/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  Not long ago I was under the grip of a toxic boss. What a nightmare! In my opinion this person had serious personality issues and I suspect there were problems at home too, which spilled into the workplace.
  
  In this case I was the target of ???its??? uncontrollable anger and dysfunctional character. Yes, I was and still am a ???happy go lucky???, ???free spirited???, ???lets get this show on the road??? friendly person, and for some reason this bothered ???it??? ??? a lot.
  
  My attempts to understand, ignore and to reason with this person were unsuccessful. After struggling with the problem for quite some time, I decided that it was time for me take some action in order to protect my integrity. I began to account in a factual and objective manner all the humiliations I was subjected too on a constant basis and brought it to the attention of HR, and the higher-ups, following the chain of command.
  
  While it took some time, in the end it all worked out for the best(for both of us). After that, no more sarcasm, berating, humiliating, censure and name calling, which was what I wanted to accomplish to begin with.
  
  I guess what I am trying to say is that is not about winning or losing a battle, but it???s about whenever possible taking a stand for yourself, which can be very liberating and empowering.

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  18

  jcmbc

  09/26/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  I mostly think that toxic bosses are very good people but can not stand the strain of work so they have to hit some where.. as do parents to there children..we all work with a very diffrent brain if only we could understand all

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  19

  SDMarCom

  09/26/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  I have to agree with beeboo and Chief Bee (what's with bees??). To me, finding a new job is the only way to deal with a truly toxic boss. Here's why:
  
  Truly toxic people (bosses or otherwise) are not created by temporary situations like the current financial crisis. It may stress a normal boss and make them harder to deal with, but toxic bosses are inherently toxic no matter what the situation is. It is part of their personality and you're not going to be able to change that.
  
  Oh, and as a woman, I am so tired of other women jumping on ANY perceived slight against all femininity. Jessica, you did nothing wrong, so please don't stress over this.
  
  For the record I stayed with a toxic boss for eight months after I realized I had to get out of that situation until I was able to find a better job. I'm not saying getting out of there will be easy or fast, but it is possible.

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  20

  pbevilaqua

  09/26/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  "FIGHT BACK and neutralize her corrosive influence using these tips"
  
  1. Don't take it personally
  2. Don't do things that compromise your values
  3. Don't FIGHT BACK
  4. Don't feel victimized
  
  "...take a hefty dose of self control..."
  
  So what should you do? This is advice to sit there and take it.

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  21

  milady3@...

  09/26/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  I totally agree with your statements justjack. Well said!

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  22

  milady3@...

  09/26/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  Talk about being in denial Mrs or Mister "I mostly think toxic people are basically good people but cannot stand the strain of work."
  
  No they are not good people, they are corporate bullies and some of them may very well be blatant sociopaths (read the Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout). If approximately 4 percent of the US population can be categorized as "sociopaths" where do you think they might end up? Take a guess...
  
  1)encarcerated or 2)In positions of power and authority... Wake up! Just because I am under great strain at work does not mean that I have to victimize or abuse others! You sound like you may have some co-dependency issues. Just an opinion...

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  23

  Chandrae

  09/26/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  Happiness is in your own mind. It is controlled by your own sensory persceptions. The eyes, ears, tongue, nose, skin and mind are the sensory bases sending signals to your brain to activate anger, animosity, resentment, displeasure, unhappiness etc. Be mindful when anger, animosity etc arise due to external objects interacting with the sense bases. Learn to neutralize feelings of anger, animosity etc as they arise by recognizing such feelings. The trick is in recognizing these feelings as they arise in your own self and not after these feelings are translated into toxic actions in your body. If you practice mindfulness in this manner you will go to extreme hights in your career and not just deal with a Toxic Boss. Write for more advice if you need.

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  24

  kaviyatri

  09/27/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  Toxic bosses are indeed dangerous for health. It is on us whether we are susceptible to the situation or tactfully resolve the ego clash. Such people definitely have a low self esteem and play every kind of unjustified moves which in the short run is meant to bog down the self esteem of the shining subordinate. The 'pulling-down' game has been running since ages, the blaming game, passing the buck and so on. All these manifest into a disoriented group effort and in the long run affects the efficiency of the organization.

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  25

  tf7546

  09/29/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  I too have a toxic boss and her demeaning, hostile behavior had increased to an intolerable level over the last year. I decided it was time to take action and I filed a formal complaint about her unprofessional behavior. I didn't get any response from corporate, so I decided that I would document it in case it came to a lawsuit. (Note to Toxic Bosses: I can guarantee that the employees you are picking on are documenting for a possible lawsuit - so beware!) Additionally, I began standing up for myself in a professional way. She is a bit of a sniper. She makes a mean remark that cuts to the bone in front of others and then walks away. I just began saying "That wasn't very nice" or "That wasn't very professional" to her as she was walking away. I even received my first apology for how she spoke to me. I don't believe that this has stopped the problem, but it draws attention to her poor behavior and my ability to deal with it in a calm professional manner. However, I am looking for a new job as it is tiring having to constantly watch your own back as well as time consuming documenting the mistreatment.

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  26

  tampa_torch

  10/01/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  simplistic advice that's easier said than done. Worthless "article"

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  27

  tampa_torch

  10/01/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  I had a toxic boss for 3 1/2 years. It was brutal. I complained but they took no action against her (until a year after I left. Eventually they could not ignore the complaints from virtually everyone).
  
  I left. You have to. That is the only solution.

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  28

  jbs5280

  10/13/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  Send them all a copy of Bob Sutton's, The No ******* Rule, sign it and put their name in the table of contents. That's what abusive bosses are and I'm in the organization development profession and have been for almost 30 years. Corporate HR or legal types don't have the balls to deal with these tyrannts efficiently but they don't mind defending an employee class action lawsuit against an abusive boss. I have personally caused intense grief for some of these ******** and now the organization I work in is down 4! Too many times however, HR, legal are useless paper shufflers. If all else fails, do get an attorney to represent you against a bad boss and an organization that endorses their behavior by doing NOTHING! You won't believe how they will take notice then. Frankly, until corp. bosses grow a pair and deal with the ******** creating problems, a lawyer is about your best bet.

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  29

  jbs5280

  10/13/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  P.S., A##holes come in both genders, believe me!

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  30

  pcole3

  10/16/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  Toxic colleagues are just as bad - agree with you luisc9. I have one and I have just handed in my resignation because of him and my toxic boss put together. Still another 3 weeks to go... and I am trying to not feel disappointed about the lost opportunity of the role.

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  31

  Betagrl

  10/21/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  I just recently dumped a toxic client like this. He was going through a divorce, and was a rageaholic, micromanaging sociopath. I quickly came to understand why his wife left and his children did not want to spend time with him.
  
  I warned him after a while, but his behavior never changed, and he was in denial. Finally, I just walked out. He asked me back, however not only did I make my boundaries perfectly clear, I raised my rates considerably. Thank goodness he didn't take me up on the new conditions. I dreaded going to work there.
  
  I only put up with it part-time for 3 months before leaving for good. It was a leap of faith as I need the money, but I felt I was prostituting myself by working for him. It's such a relief not to have to subject myself to his abuse anymore. Strangely, I realized he was very much like my father had been! Yikes! I was glad to be gone.
  
  Fortunately, he came to his senses, and we had a pleasant last conversation without a hint of his anger, so things were left on a good note. I forgave him (in my heart), and let go of feeling the need for his pay so I could move forward with my life. He needs serious help, but that's not my job!
  
  Get out if you can, because in reality, these people will only succeed in bringing you down, demoralizing your work incentive and destroy your self esteem. It's not worth it. If there is anyway you can get out, do so sooner rather than later. It only gets worse over time. Save yourself and your sanity.

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  32

  tramky

  11/06/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  The only way to deal with a toxic boss is to get the hell out of there. There is no fix, there is no reconciliation, and superiors have circled the wagons around him or her (oh, and believe me, females have been the worst, most toxic and least ethical!). These people will destroy your reputation and kill your career, your desire to work!

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  33

  null

  11/20/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  I agree that the "toxic boss" is usually someone with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Another term for them is "Office Bully".
  
  While quitting and getting a different job/boss can be the only answer, there are other ways to deal with the boss bully.
  
  One is to expose them. After they engage in yet another attempt to humiliate you in front of others, simply say something like "You're a bully. I'm not taking your bullying any more" and walk away. Make sure you say it loud enough that others can hear you.I guarantee the bully will back down quicker than not.
  
  No amount of pay is enough to be humiliated by your boss on a regular basis. That is what slavery was about. By exposing the bully, you've defended your space, your self esteem, and you may even have made it possible for you to do your job better.

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  34

  chiayewheng

  12/12/08 | Report as spam

  RE: An Antidote for Toxic Bosses

  I have seen and worked for several toxic bosses. Either I am unfortunate enough, or it is the corporate culture that had evolved in this part of the world - called Singapore.
  
  We called it the "KIASU MENTALITY" here. Check my blog at 3pillarsofwits@wordpress.com. Do
  not even think of getting away from them. Just learn to live around them. Here are some of the ways to do it: First, never answer no, even if you do not agree. Just say 'yes, but...' The 'yes' is to cool them somewhat, the 'but' is to register your disagreement and differenc ein opinion. Secondly, 'Just Do It.' Rmember their loss is always bigger than your loss whenthe project colapse! You have registered your opinion, but they call the last shot, and eventually, they will learn to listen - after several failures( the number of failures depends on how much pride they have accummulated!) Thirdly, as what the comment by earlier respondent says, keep your moral high ground, and do not compromise your value. They may have the last call, but you still have the last stand. Your spirit belongs to the almighty, not the toxic boss.